Crumbling bomb
by donttouch
Summary: Warnings inside chapter one. A bomb strikes, and Tony is the one to suffer. Here's what everyone else thinks and goes through as he's in the hospital. R&R :  The story is already done, but I have to go through all of it and correct some stuff. Enjoy.
1. McGee reacts

AN: Before you read this fic, beware of the following. Tissuewarning, disturbing imagery, slash (no sex, nothing like that at all, it's just mentioned), pretty foul language and a really disturbed author.

-0-

"McGee! Ziva! Gibbs!" Tony comes running and they all spot him. "DOWN! NOW!" Tony yells and they get down just as the shock of a blast strikes Tony, flinging him into the wall behind them, high up, almost in the ceiling, fire licking at the exits of the building. Tony slams down with a 'ooomph' and lays perfectly still in the exact position he landed in. When the fire becomes a regular fire, retreating to where it came from, Gibbs gets up and is the first one to reach Tony. He checks his pulse and pats his hands down Tony's body, checking for further damage. He spots something and removes his jacket, striking Tony's body with it. And suddenly McGee understands, that weird smell reaching his nostrils is Tony's flesh burning.

"CALL A DAMN AMBULANCE!" Gibbs is furious, or scared, or furious. It doesn't really matter because Ziva's striking Tony with her jacket too, and McGee is calling for an ambulance even though he's forgotten the adress when he sees a small flame from Tony's jacket that Ziva immediatly puts out. The ambulance says they have the location and asks him how bad it is.

"Well, he's on fire," McGee says and wants to headslap himself. "But they've put it out." Then the operator asks what happened. "There was a bomb. We're Federal Agents, and he just got tossed like a puppet. Woosh...just...woosh," McGee's still in shock and no one can blame him as Gibbs and Ziva roll Tony's unconcious body to remove his still smoldering jacket. He has his vest on underneath and McGee prays it took some of the impact. The operater asks if Tony is breathing, but that involves going over to see, to find out if Tony's really alive, so McGee just says 'yes' because Gibbs and Ziva would be doing CPR if he wasn't.

"McGee, give me the phone," Gibbs growls and McGee takes one step forward before clumsily reaching the phone out. Gibbs yanks it from his fingers and proceeds to rattle off the list of injuries he thinks Tony may have sustained. It's a long list, and McGee's just staring at Tony's burnt neck. The jacket they've been trying to get off of Tony has melted into his neck and throat, and McGee's own throat constricts at the sight and smell of melted flesh that suddenly hits him like a brick wall. He swallows convulsively and turns away, feeling guilty because that's Tony lying there, and McGee doesn't know if he could've helped him if it'd just been him and Tony in the building. Flashes of Tony burning up because McGee's to scared and too overwhelmed to help him pass through his brain when he hears someone shout his name. "McGee! Go outside and guide the EMT's in here! NOW McGee!" Gibbs growls and McGee has never been happier to follow an order. He all but runs outside and to the street, drawing in a deep breath that still smells of burning Tony. A crowd has gathered and one of them asks McGee what's going on.

"Nothing to worry about, everything's under control," McGee says. He wonders if Gibbs called the firetrucks, because the place is still burning. That's when he notices the firetrucks already there, spraying water on the lingering flames as smoke rises from the roof.

"Are you okay?" an onlooker asks and McGee does a double take when he sees Benton, a Senior Agent, standing in front of him. "Forget I asked, what happened?" he asks instead. McGee doesn't know how he forces out the words but he does, and Benton pales. "They still in there?" he asks and all McGee can do is nod, because he's not sure, he doesn't have a clue. "Sit down, Agent McGee, I'll take over from here," he says and McGee sits, because he doesn't know what else to do. He bends his knees up to his face and puts his head between his knees, trying to breathe, trying not to smell, trying to imagine his mother telling him everything will be okay. But his thoughts stray and he's seeing Tony telling him that he's a whimp for not staying, for freezing up.

_"Come on Probie, it's just a little melted flesh," _Tony's voice says and McGee looks up, confused. The voice is so familiar, so utterly Tony, that McGee doesn't think he's injured at all, he thinks Tony's standing in front of him. That's when he catches a glimpse of the gurney holding Tony's injured form and the bile rises. This time he can't stop it, he vomits and he heaves until there's nothing left. Nothing but the smell of burnt flesh. There's a touch on his arm, and Ziva's eyes soften as he finally looks up at her.

"We will follow, Tim. He will be fine, he will ounce back," Ziva says.

"Bounce," McGee says and winces, because correcting Ziva's idioms is Tony's job, not his. Ziva just helps him up.

"Bounce," she repeats as she pulls his shivering body with her towards a car. She's about to unlock it when McGee notices her hands are shaking, and it's not really cold out here. Her head is bowed, and McGee sees the struggle she's going through not to cry. He hears her shuddering intakes of breath when an Agent comes over, McGee recognizes him as Carlos from the Benton team, and takes the keys out of her hand, unlocking the car.

"I'll drive you," Carlos says, and it's gentle, and it's not Tony, and it hurts because it SHOULD be Tony standing there, he should be smiling and goofing off and doing stuff instead of laying in an ambulance, dying because he was protecting them. But instead of telling anyone, McGee silently gets into the car and buckles up. Ziva doesn't protest having to sit in the back seat and that worries McGee because Ziva hates sitting in the back. And now he feels guilty too because Gibbs is supposed to drive, and Tony's supposed to sit where he sits and make rude comments, stupid jokes, and surprising observations that he connects with movies. "We're here," Carlos says softly and McGee blinks. They're outside the hospital and McGee can't help but think that he zoned out completely. He unbuckles his seatbelt and steps out of the car. The hospital is growning darker as his step faulters. Ziva grabs his arm.

"It will be okay," she whispers in his ear but McGee shakes his head.

"Why did he do that? I know his hearing's great but he shouldn't go off on his own! ALWAYS bring backup!" McGee says suddenly because he's so angry with Tony that the man would go off on his own like that, and he shouldn't, but McGee knows he really couldn't.

"Gibbs sent Tony alone to the back. There were three doors, Tim. He sent us together, then he took one and gave one to Tony. It is not your fault, it is not Gibbs's fault, it was bad luck!" she says, her voice cracking. McGee notices she doesn't say anything about it not being her fault. He wants to blame her, but he can't, because seeing Ziva like this, like she's breaking in front of his eyes, it scares him even more than he wants to admit. It downright terrifies him to see Ziva, strong, capable, funny Ziva breaking like she's seen her first dead body.

"It's not your fault either Ziva," he finally says after what seems like a silence that could last forever. He turns to look at the hospital again and wonder why he's never really seen how it looms over the city like a onmious tower of doom. He briefly wonders if he's really THAT much of a geek and pictures Tony nodding vigorously. McGee takes Ziva's hand and she lets him, another sign that Ziva's falling apart, and he gathers his courrage before he sets off to the main entrance at a brisk pace. They get inside and there's Gibbs, and Ducky, and Abby. And Gibbs looks like he's about to cry and THAT is what break McGee. He stumbles to his knees and then Abby's there, holding him, crying, telling him everything's going to be okay. And she smells like almonds and gunpowder and everything work related that McGee never wants to think of again so he tries to push her away but he has to give up because she's not letting go.

"He's going to be okay," a voice says and McGee notices he's sitting in a chair. He wonders how it happened because all he remembers is kneeling on the dirty floor of the ER and gunpowder and almonds. He looks up to see Ducky sitting in the chair next to him, offering a cup of tea and it's so normal McGee wants to break the damn cup, or maybe he wants to break Gibbs for making Tony take one door by himself. When he looks up, Gibbs is gone, and McGee accepts the cup of tea but he doesn't drink it, he's savoring the warmth between his fingers because if Tony dies, he doubts he'll ever feel warm again. He thinks about every time he's hurt Tony by making rude comments about him or questioning his sexuality, he thinks about the times where he's doubted Tony, or teased him in a way that hurts, and he knows it hurt because that was what he aimed for. He thinks about every time he's insulted Tony or actually tripped him or messed stuff up for him, and he wants so badly for Tony to be fine again that he promises never to do something like that again. Soft arms curl around him and pulls him over, but now it just smells like Abby, and it smells like flowers and love and friendship so he decides to let go. Now, he can let go and he cries. The cup is gone and he clings to Abby, crying, because things will never be okay, and things will never go back to normal.

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AN: Whoa...that became a tad more dramatic than I intended O_o And yes there will be more so just review and love to all :3


	2. Gibbs reacts

Gibbs is standing outside. It's raining now, and Gibbs hopes it continues because it's soothing. He wants to yell at McGee, tell him to suck it up, but he just can't find it in him to be mad at anyone but himself. He knows he should've waited for backup, but it was urgent, and the intel was supposed to come from NCIS so he trusted them, trusted his Agency, and they were wrong at the worst time. The door Tony had entered had been boobytrapped, and instead of saving himself like he should've done, the idiot came to rescue them. Gibbs hates that about Tony, he always sacrifices himself for the sake of others and Gibbs wants to beat the shit out of him for doing it because it's ruining Gibbs's sleep, and his resolve. He's lost count of the times when he's kept vigil at Tony's side in the hospital, but today it's different, tonight he can't keep vigil at Tony's bedside because Tony's going to need a sterile enviroment and surgery to remove the piece of jacket that's melted and blended with the melted skin.

"Hello Jethro," Ducky's voice says next to him. Gibbs doesn't want to answer, doesn't want to speak, because he won't cry, and he's not weak. He won't cry because that would make this nightmare real, and Gibbs doesn't want it to be real, it's not supposed to be real. Shit like this only happens in the movies Tony always talks about, it doesn't happen in real life because that's just plain wrong, and Tony's not supposed to be in the hospital fighting to live when Gibbs for once decided to trust the intel he'd gotten, not found. "I thought you might be needing this," Ducky says softly and Gibbs looks down, sees the cup of tea and nods. It's true that he mostly drinks coffee but the last time he went to the doctor it was because Tony forced him after finding him puking in the mens room at work. The doctor had said that he needed to cut back on the coffee to avoid an ulcer, and Tony had just smiled and patiently helped Gibbs find a tea he could be satisfied with. It tasted a little like water, but also like memories of a grinning Tony, and obviously Ducky knew or he wouldn't bring Gibbs that particular tea that smelled like memories of Tony grinning at him. "Anthony and I do speak on occasion when we're not working," Ducky gives a knowing smile. "He's not going to die."

"Don't say that...don't say shit like that Duck, he's got burns! He got tossed at least ten feet! He's broken, Duck, he's in there and he's...he's broken," Gibbs says, and he never wanted to say it because it makes it sound like Tony's a damn toy for him and he's not, he's love, and kisses, and sex, and forever, and Gibbs's world is falling apart now that Tony could die in that damn hospital. And it's all Gibbs's fault, so he wants to punch someone, maybe even Ducky for telling him lies, for trying to convince him to believe his heart that tells him that Tony will survive. Gibbs's brain has already added the injuries into a clusterfuck of other worldly dimensions, something no one can come back from, and suddenly Gibbs reaches for his own throat and finds the round metal rings in a chain dangling from his neck. He closes his hand around the two rings and closes his eyes.

"I always suspected that was how you were connected," Ducky says and Gibbs sinks down, back against the cement wall. It's cold, and it's wet, and it's nothing like Tony's arms and Tony's smile and it's exactly what he needs so he won't punch anyone, not even Ducky. "Anthony loves you very much Jethro."

"We fought," Gibbs says finally, eyes open but not really seeing anything but the scene from this morning where Gibbs called Tony a damn mistake, and Tony cried, and Gibbs told Tony he was a stupid mistake that turned into something that smothered Gibbs, that always wanted to be around because Gibbs was too scared to admit he loved Tony and would always love him. "I told him...I told him he was smothering me. He took the ring off its chain and gave it back to me, Duck. I told him that he was a mistake...and he still protected me..." Gibbs wants to cry but he can't because then it'll all be real, all the words he spoke, all the headslaps, and the smell and taste of burning flesh will return and Gibbs figures he might just die if that happens.

"You'll have a chance to make it right," Ducky says, and Gibbs snorts because this time, Ducky might be wrong, and Gibbs doesn't want Ducky to jinx it. Gibbs knows it's stupid, he shouldn't believe in stuff like that but having Tony around could make him believe unicorns lived on pluto and danced in fields of marhsmallow covered sugarcanes, because that's how Tony is, Tony makes you believe anything is possible, that you can be someone important in his life, and when he makes you believe it, you usually are. And Gibbs trampled that by telling Tony he was a mistake.

"You're not a mistake," Gibbs mutters under his breath, "I love you Tony...I love you," and he falls apart, tears slipping down his face as arms settle around him. They're not Tony, but they'll do today, since Tony can't do it, and since Tony's fighting for his life. Gibbs will settle for Ducky and his words and his arms today because he knows this is real, he knows, in his heart, that he might be getting another chance with Tony, and he's determined to fight for that chance, and to love Tony for all he's worth and that's pretty damn much all Gibbs has ever wanted to do. To love someone. To love Tony.

"You'll get to tell him," Ducky assures Gibbs and Gibbs nods, because there's nothing else he can do, and because he wants to believe Ducky's words and Ducky's actions. He wants to believe Ducky can protect him from bad news just for tonight, just until Tony turns a corner and wakes up with a grin, telling Gibbs he's a worrywort and then proceeds to laugh at him. Just for tonight, he lets Ducky have control of them all, because Ducky's lived longer than any of them after all, and Gibbs tries to believe that Ducky's always right, which he really is most of the time. "You'll get to tell him," Ducky repeats and Gibbs decides to believe him, just for tonight.

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AN: Soooo...my mind's a bit dark these days it seems. Anyway, enjoy, and there'll be another chappy posted tomorrow :D


	3. Ziva reacts

Ziva is sitting alone on a chair. It's been two days, and Tony's still in critical condition. She's seen him now, with a tube down his throat and bandages covering his throat and his arms and his back. He's on his side, because his back is badly burnt. It's bad, and she knows it. The staff is worried about infection, and Gibbs is sitting on a chair outside the room that's been sterilized because they don't want Tony to catch a single bug or germ. Ziva's watching Abby hold McGee's hand. She knows something happened after Abby made McGee get into her car and then took him home, but she really doesn't care right now. Gibbs hasn't said a word to either of them, but Ducky's been around, telling them little things that make hope blossom in their hearts. Even Jimmy Palmer is there, he looks sad and uncomfortable, and Ziva wants to lash out at him because she's never considered him part of the team, he's never there...until she realizes that Jimmy is Tony's friend, and her anger deflates again. She watches everything and tries to remain at a distance, because these people are not supposed to be her friends, just her coworkers.

"Are you okay?" Jimmy suddenly asks and she hasn't realized that he's moved closer to her. Ziva looks up sharply, but Jimmy doesn't flinch and Ziva's wondering if she's starting to lose her ability to frighten people, and her heart speeds up because without that ability she might have to learn to trust. With a sudden clarity she realizes that she *does* trust these people, and she wonders when they managed to crawl beneath her skin and settle in her heart. "Do you need something to drink?" Jimmy asks and she nods. Jimmy gets up and disappears out the door to "their" room. Ducky was able to get them a room designated for families, and there's a sofa, and a table, and a few chairs scattered around. There's a poster on the wall that Ziva took down because it reminded her too much of hope, but the green walls reminds her of grass, and Tony, and laughter, and it's almost worse. Almost. "Here," Jimmy says and she flinches because he's so nice to her even though she barely speaks to him.

"Thank you," she says and accepts the glass of water. She looks down and remembers that Tony's just a hallway away, still fighting to live, and she's embarrassed that she wishes they'd serve alcohol in the hospital so she can get drunk and forget the smell of melting flesh that assaults her every time she opens and closes her eyes. Her throat feels raw, and tears burn behind her eyes but crying isn't an option because she doesn't cry. That's not how her family raised her, and it's not how her family knows her. And again she's struck with sudden clarity, these people are not just her friends, they're family, and her throat threatens to close completely at the thought of losing her brother, Tony, to lose him means losing a part of herself. She briefly wonders why she never felt that with Ari, because she should, because he was part of her real family. Again, another realization hits her and she knows that *this* family is her real family, not those people that call themselves father and brother and mother and sister. And it's all screwed up, time, family, friends, coworkers, it twists into a knot that can't be untied unless she cries and grieves, and she doesn't want to do that.

"It's okay," Jimmy says and Ziva hesitantly raises her eyes. "Everyone falls apart," he reassures her, but she shakes her head. She doesn't fall apart, it's not how she was raised by those people in Israel where she was born, it's not how people know her. The Ziva everyone knows remain cool, calm, and collected and that thought hurts because those are Tony's words, not her own, and she wants to be the person Tony thought she was but she's not. And then she remembers a conversation they had when no one else was around, Tony had asked her if she needed a hug and she had said yes. He had hugged her and she had cried on his shoulder while he said that he knew she wasn't as cold as she thought she was, and that it was okay to be human. Ziva's eyes are burning even more now, and it hurts because she's not supposed to fall apart like everyone else has, it's not fair to Tony, and it's not fair that he's doing this to her. "I'm going to hug you now, and you can punch me if you want," Jimmy suddenly says and then there's arms around her.

"No," she says and tries to struggle out of his grip, and she punches and kicks and threatens to scream, but Jimmy's arms are still around her, and it's like they're burning her, melting her skin, and the thought makes her sick because that's exactly what happened to Tony. And now the tears are here, and she shakes with the violence of her sobs because she's so tired of fighting who she really is, fighting the fact that she cares about these people more than she cares for her real family, and it hurts so bad her heart is breaking, the hurt is spreading through every inch of her body, killing her, shaking her to the core, because she has a family now, people who actually care about her for who she is, not what she can do for them. They don't need favors, they need her, and it hurts because she's not used to that.

"It's okay, it's okay," Jimmy says quietly in her ear, and Ziva still fights, but in the end she gives, because it's all she can do without killing someone, and she doesn't want to kill family, and that hurts even more because she killed Ari and she didn't feel much after that, but now she feels, and it hurts, and it's not who she thought she was, and Tony's in there fighting for a chance to live when all she wants is to kill him for doing something so utterly stupid as to get hurt when she's there, so she cries in Jimmy's arms, sobs her heart out because it's too damn much! It's too much! "Everyone falls apart, Ziva, it's okay," Jimmy assures her and now she's not fighting anymore, she's letting him hold her, and the arms doesn't burn her, neither does the support he's lending her, and it's comforting, and it's scary but it's also good. Ziva never thought Tony and Jimmy would be the ones who truly saw her for who she is, but she's been wrong before, and she knows that this is right, it's fitting.

But it doesn't make it easier.

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AN: Dear God...I'm a monster. Review? :3


	4. Ducky reacts

It's been five days and Gibbs has a beard. Ducky's worried, because Gibbs doesn't really speak to anyone, not even him, and the nurses throw concerned looks at him whenever they pass, and Gibbs doesn't really seem to care. Ducky's tried to take care of all of them, but he's seen the injuries without the bandages and for the first time in his life, *he* was the one to hurry out of the room and vomit in a sink until there was nothing left. Ducky's stomach clenches tight at the memories and his eyes searches for a sink...just in case. He knows the doctors are cautiously optimistic unless there's an infection, but Ducky's still not sure. He pretends for the others, because they all fall apart in front of his eyes and he can't stand the pain in their eyes when they look at him, praying that he's bringing them good news. So Ducky does. Small observations, little lies, he'd rather they hope than be lost, and he justifies it to himself. He doesn't mind if they hate him if Tony dies, because seeing their pain lessen just a little makes him happy, because *he* did that, *he* brought the good news, even though Tony's condition's the same as when they finished cleaning his wounds and wrapping him in bandages before placing him on a ventilator and sterilizing the room.

"Doctor Mallard?" a nurse asks and Ducky tears his eyes away from Gibbs. "There's a lot of staff that's worried about Agent Gibbs...he seems almost catatonic. Is there something we don't know about him and Agent DiNozzo? It might make a difference if we knew what we're dealing with," she tries to be gentle but Ducky can't help but think that the nurses will gossip, and someone will be against Gibbs and Tony's love, so he doesn't answer at first. "They're lovers, am I correct?" she asks, she seems to understand why he hesitates, and Ducky nods because he really can't lie. It's just too obvious when he watches Gibbs's haunted look whenever someone passes him out of Tony's room and tells him that Tony's still alive. "Thank you Doctor Mallard," she says and walks away. Ducky's still looking at Gibbs, and then the nurse returns with a tray of food, and two other nurses are bringing in a comfortable leather chair. "Stand," the nurse says to Gibbs and surprisingly he does. The chair is changed out with the more comfortable one, and the nurse pushes Gibbs back in the chair. "You will eat this food, he's going to need a lot of help when he's better," she serves Gibbs a tray of food and there's tea on the tray along with juice and some light food. It makes Ducky want to cry, because he hasn't been able to comfort Gibbs, the one who truly needs it because he's all alone and lost without Tony. No amount of little lies can reduce the pain and loss in Gibbs's too blue eyes, and it hurts Ducky, and he loses his resolve bit by bit. Gibbs nods, and the nurse tucks a blanket around him before she walks over to Ducky.

"Thank you so much," Ducky whisperes, blinking furiously to keep the tears at bay because he needs to be strong for Gibbs, for Jethro, for his friend, and Gibbs needs him to be strong because Gibbs has always been the strong one, and Ducky has always been the wise one although Ducky doesn't feel very wise at this point, he just feels heavy, and lost, and tired.

"You're welcome. We'll take good care of him, why don't you go home for a bit? Grab a change of clothes for him, some food, shavingkit..." the nurse's eyes are honest, and sad, and Ducky nods. He doesn't go by the familyroom at all, he just wanders out of the hospital and waves down a cab. He tells the address and the cabdriver talks and talks and talks, and Ducky briefly wonders if this angry feeling is what Gibbs gets whenever he himself brings up a long story. He can't really help it though, and his anger at the cabdriver recedes because it has to be lonely driving angry people around all the time, and for Ducky it's lonely cutting into dead people who has their own stories. When the cab stops, Ducky gets out and pays the man before walking up the steps. The nurse tells him that his mother is sleeping soundly, and he nods as he passes her to go straight into the livingroom where the corgi's are jumping and waking up as they recognize their owner. And Ducky kneels among them, and they gather as though they sense there's something so wrong that they have to be quiet, and he lays down with them, hugging who he can, petting them, surrounding himself with the love they offer, the unconditional support.

Tomorrow, Ducky will be strong again, and he will tell little lies, and tell them the scraps of good news that make it his way, and tomorrow, he'll make sure everyone's okay. But tonight, he's surrounding himself with living breathing dogs who offer him unconditional love and support. He doesn't have to be strong tonight, and it hurts. And Ducky cries, because he's not sure if it's selfish and wrong, or if it's right and justified. So he cries, and the dogs still love him.

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AN: Ow. Seriously, I didn't even know my brain could come up with this, but it did, and you're reading it.


	5. Abby reacts

Abby's holding McGee's hand. When Ducky entered her lab and told her Tony had been badly injured, she never thought it could be *this* bad. Everyone around her is falling apart, and she's already fallen so she can't fall apart again because that wouldn't be fair to anyone else. She fell apart in Ducky's arms that day, and then McGee fell apart in her arms. She's seen Tony, through the window to his sterilized room. She likes to pretend he's sleeping, because it hurts less that way. She made McGee fall apart and it makes her a little proud because he needed to come apart to be put back together. She's not really sure what happened but Tony's commented on how weirdly she reacts to danger, and when she took McGee home, they had sex. She knows it was to connect, it didn't really mean anything but it grounded her, made her feel better. And McGee feels better too, Abby's sure of it. She scrapped her new perfume. Gunpowder and almonds reminds her too much of bombs and gangrene, so she doesnt' wear it anymore. Maybe when Tony's better, because she wants to believe he's going to get better, it wouldn't be fair if Tony didn't get up from that bed and back into Gibbs's bed. She's known for a while that they were together and it hurts when she crouches next to Gibbs and tries to convince him to go home, because he doesn't listen to anyone, and the nurses aren't forcing him to go anywhere but to shower while she's all but kicked out of the hospital so she can sleep in her own bed.

"Hey," McGee squeezes her hand and she blushes slightly, embarrassed at being caught while she's lost in her very private and silly thoughts. "He's gonna be alright, y'know? It's Tony, Tony's always alright. He's gonna call me a pansy for being worried about him," McGee says and she snorts a laugh that feels inappropriate, because McGee's supposed to be shy, Ziva's not supposed to cry in Jimmy's arms, Ducky's supposed to look in on them and Gibbs is supposed to say Tony'll be fine, and Tony...Tony's supposed to make her laugh and remind her that life is still worth living. But Tony isn't here, and it's McGee who makes her laugh, and it's wrong. "Abby?" he asks. She shakes her head and looks down, tears burning behind her eyes. She knows she takes up a lot of space, but she can't really help it. It's how she is, she loves loud music, she loves being a goth, and she loves being noticed. She hates being overlooked because that means no one is listening to her. At home, she could scream as much as she wanted, no one ever listened because they're deaph and they *can't* listen. Abby knows that, but it still hurts to think about it, and she blames herself for blaming her parents who couldn't help it at all. Abby sighs.

"Yes?" she asks and she regrets having answered because for some reason she doesn't want anyone to notice her today, Tony's still in this hospital, fighting to live, but he's not okay and she doesn't want anyone to support her instead of him. After she had sex with McGee she had picked up her Tony Voodoo Doll, and wrapped it in bandages and red lipstick kisses, trying to kiss the booboos away, but it's not working, and she's losing her faith in the occult, and she knows she will throw everything out if Tony doesn't survive, because he's always supported her, and she won't go clubbing ever again because even though Tony's taken, he still goes with her to the clubs, makes sure the people she takes home with her are okay people, and he's a damn good wingman.

"He's going to be fine," McGee says and Abby wants to punch him because she knows he doesn't really believe it, and she needs him to believe it or she can't do it either. She wants to believe that everything will be fine, but it's not, and it's all one big fuckup that began with bad intel from NCIS, the Agency she works for. She doesn't want it to be true at first, but it is, and Tony's paying the price for someone else's mistakes once again, and it's worse than what Sheppard did, because this time Vance isn't responsible, NCIS is. They gathered the intel, and it was wrong, and Tony might die. "I promise, Abby, he's going to be fine," McGee says with more conviction and tears pour down Abby's face because McGee sounds like he really means it, and it's frightening, and it's sad that it's not Tony saying the same thing to her, and that's worse than falling apart again so she does, she falls apart and she cries in McGee's arms, and wonders if he can hold her just like this until Tony's okay, and Gibbs speaks, and Ducky doesn't lie or hold back information, and Ziva's not crying, and Jimmy isn't the strong one.

She wonders if Tony's ever going to hug her again.

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AN: I think...that I...have gone...over the deep end with this one O_o


	6. Jimmy reacts last chapter

Jimmy's not really sure what to think. Tony's awake, and everyone seems so happy and exhausted that they forget about him...again. It's actually Gibbs who calls him with the good news, his voice raw and unused, and Jimmy smiles, because Gibbs always thinks of those who are closest to Tony, and it hurts a bit that the rest of them doesn't, because Jimmy's been trying damn hard to keep everyone together. Jimmy hasn't cried, he hasn't fallen apart, he has believed. It's what he does, Jimmy thinks, he believes, and he knows, and he trusts, and he holds, so when Gibbs says for Jimmy to come see Tony before the others, Jimmy's at the hospital in less than fifteen minutes which is a record, even beating Gibbs's time there from the same distance.

"I've seen him. He's tired and in pain, but he's alive," Gibbs says and he suddenly looks young again. "Thanks, Jimmy. Don't know what I would've done without you stopping those nurses from sending me home," Gibbs gives a small smile and pats Jimmy's shoulder awkwardly, and Jimmy smiles. He wasn't aware that Gibbs had noticed, but the nurses desperatly wanted Gibbs to go away because they couldn't understand him and his relationship to Tony, so Jimmy made sure they didn't bother Gibbs too much, or made him go home. When Jimmy opens the door, Tony's eyes are open and looking at him.

"Jimmy," he calls out hoarsly and coughs a few times, it's natural, he's been on a ventilator, but it still scares Jimmy and he makes sure his gown is clean, and his hands are gloved, and that his mask sits tightly on his face. "Heard you cared. Wuss," Tony says, humor in his eyes as Jimmy finds his seat next to Tony's bed.

"Yeah, I am," Jimmy agrees. He would have agreed to walking in here naked if that's what it would take for Tony to actually be looking at him like he is now, to joke, to give a smile and a wince because it's pulling at his healing skin. "I'm glad you're okay," Jimmy says, and it sounds pretty shallow in his own ears, and he wants to say something meaningful and something profound, but Tony seems to get it anyway because his eyes soften and he reaches out a bandaged hand to latch onto Jimmy's.

"Thank you. For keeping Gibbs here. For holding us together. For being here for me," Tony says and blinks his eyes tiredly. "Just got some painkillers so I'm gonna fall asleep pretty soon. Thanks again, Jimbop," Tony's eyes fall shut and Jimmy gets up, making sure Tony's really sleeping, before he goes out the door and rips off his mask, his gown, his gloves, the stupid hairnet and forces it down the wastebasket ready to recieve the used equipment, and Jimmy wants to scream, because Tony's okay, he's okay, and Jimmy couldn't really let himself *not* believe that Tony would be okay but he did, and he hasn't let himself feel anything and now it hurts! Strong arms wrap around him and Jimmy tries to free himself from Gibbs's grip as tears pour down his face and his glasses are removed, but he ends up clinging to Gibbs's arms, leaning forward as Gibbs holds him and lets him lean away, his mouth open, his eyes squeezed shut as he cries, and lives, and breathes, and Tony's sleeping, he's okay, and Jimmy's so scared he wants to hide away some place dark. He's coming apart, his entire body is being ripped to shreds, and suddenly he's whirled around and Gibbs is hugging him, holding him, whispering things to him.

"It's okay," Gibbs said, "Thank you Jimmy, thank you so much, you can fall apart now," he whispers and Jimmy does, he lets Gibbs hold him even though Gibbs is pretty scary, and he lets everyone walk past him, and he lets himself believe that Tony is fine, he's sleeping, he'll be okay, Ducky didn't lie to him, and Gibbs didn't get mad and everything will be fine. Jimmy lets himself believe, because Tony's sleeping in there, he's not dead, he doesn't smell like his flesh is melting, and he's going to live. So Jimmy presses further into the embrace, and Gibbs lets him. He holds him. And Jimmy lets go, it's okay, Gibbs gets him, he understands, and now Jimmy does too.

Tomorrow, he'll visit Tony again.

-0-

AN: OMG! That's the last chappy! :O See ya'll next time :3 *offers Kleenex*


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